Do you have these moments when you want to curl up in a ball like an embryo and hide under the covers? When the world seems too hostile a place to deal with? When you feel filled to the brim with fear, with a big tight knot in your stomach that you have no clue how to disentangle?
I have certainly experienced those moments, and so have many of my clients. This blog post is intended as a practical illustration of how we can use pep talk as a way of lifting ourselves out of bouts of anxiety and low mood. I started writing it several years ago as a combination of personal and client experiences, and I hope you will find it useful.
***
I am sitting at the kitchen table paralyzed with fear, like a rabbit in the headlights, losing any sense of time or space. I feel pathetic, and yet unable to move. Everything just seems too difficult, too big, too heavy. I am feeling helpless, useless and very sorry for myself. I am angry with the world but don't even have enough energy to scream or call a friend or do anything for that matter. Recurring bursts of silent tears run over my face – tears of anger and powerlessness: I am so stuck.
I am trying to give myself a pep talk to strengthen my self-belief and create a foundation for action but it is pretty hard going: '…. (blank) … You have a powerful mind. … (that is certainly true with all the anxious thoughts floating around that paralyze me) … Come on … keep going... You are unique. There is no one like you on this planet. You are an amazing creature. (I can agree with this on a philosophical level) You have overcome so many challenges in your life...' The trick is not to stop this onslaught of positivity, not to let any self-doubt come in through the cracks, not to even give your mind a chance to challenge what you say, even if it may sound fake at first.
'You are strong. … Hang on, I don't feel strong at all right now. I feel weak and pathetic. I am just sitting here doing nothing, bathing myself in sorrow. Maybe I am not as strong as I thought …' All right, I am really not trusting myself much right now. I need to think harder of what affirmations I can agree with at this point. Let's take it back a notch: '…. You are a source of strength for your family, friends and clients…' Notice how a slightly more vague and less defined affirmation ('you are a source of strength') can feel more acceptable than a more directly positive one ('you are strong'). If you find yourself heavily resisting an affirmation, try scaling it back. What you need right now to lift yourself out of this dark pit of despair is your agreement to those positive characteristics, qualities or achievements, not their rejection – any buy-in to something good within yourself is better than none.
'You are beautiful…. No way! I so don't feel that! I look disgusting with my red face swollen from all the crying. And anyway, there are so many areas of my body I am unhappy with.' It seems like I have hit a minefield here. I am stuck, low and anxious. This is not the time to work on any body image issues. I need to focus on what I can agree with right now. If a whole area of affirmations feels contested and raw, branch out to one that is more easily digestible. This pep talk is intended to kick start you into action, not to initiate some major self-development work.
'You are kind. You are caring. You have a lot of empathy. You can tune into others’ needs. You are considerate. You are respectful.' That starts to feels a bit better. I feel my anxiety plateauing and slowly declining. Different scenarios appear in my mind: images of time spent with friends and family; hugs, laughter, gratitude from others; presents I got just right; thank you cards from clients; conversations I feel comfortable in and appreciated … 'It is not all bad. There are people who value me. There are situations where I feel good and myself.'
I am reminded of the strong connection between words and imagery. No wonder words have such a big impact! I am reminding myself that I can choose what words to use to talk or think about myself, that language matters.
As I am feeling a bit more trusting of myself, I can now build on this, testing out some more positive affirmations to see if they stick: 'You have many skills. You know several languages. You have studied hard to get to where you are now. You are an expert in your field. You have a good sense of people. You can read people well. You have great ability to explain difficult concepts in simple terms. You are intelligent. You are driven. You are calm and collected…' Notice, how I am working from points I can hardly argue with ('you have many skills') to statements that my anxious and depressed mind would find much more difficult to accept as they may not correspond with my momentary perception of myself ('you are intelligent').
As you practice this for yourself, you are likely to find that once you get going with your pep talk for a while and your mood starts to lift, it becomes much easier to slip in some stronger affirmations now and then and see how you are responding to them in the moment. The more positivity you can handle, the better!
***
Now it’s over to you. If you’ve never given yourself a pep talk before, you may want to start practicing when you are feeling fairly OK with yourself. All you need is a few minutes of your time and a private space where you feel comfortable and undisturbed. It’s that simple.
When you practice this form of positive self-talk, it is generally most effective if you can actually speak to yourself, for example in front of a mirror, and give yourself a friendly and encouraging smile.
When developing affirmations, you can focus on your achievements, your qualities, your skills, your characteristics or your preferences. If you find yourself saying something negative (for example I don't make many mistakes) see if you can correct yourself by phrasing it in a positive way instead (I mean, I am cautious and careful; I think things through before I act). The reason for this is that our subconscious mind tends to ignore the don’ts and not’s. And what we want is for positive messages to stick and lift our mood.
Notice which affirmations you are resisting and try scaling things back or branching out into different areas, the way I illustrated in the example above. Remember that what you need right now in order to move yourself out of your anxious and/or depressed mind and into action is your agreement to aspects of yourself that you consider valuable.
Keep going until you notice a shift in your feelings and/or your readiness to act. Repetitions are perfectly fine, even though you might want to challenge yourself to find new and different words and phrases to reiterate similar points.
With the negative self-talk many people regularly engage in and easily slip back into, I would argue that we can only benefit from expanding our vocabulary of positive words to think and talk about ourselves.
Truth be told, with all the criticism and blame we may have expressed towards ourselves in our life time so far, we probably need to say an awful lot of affirmations to ever make it up to ourselves.
Once you have given pep talking a go, you may want to reflect on what this experience was like for you: What affirmations have been particularly effective? Which ones created most resistance, and what helped you to overcome it?
As you are becoming more experienced with using this form of positive self-talk, you can set a regular time in your day or week, try to extend the time or tailor your pep talking to specific situations or topics that you feel particularly ambivalent about.
The more often you think and talk positively about yourself in private, the easier and more natural this will become in public, too, and the more confident and lighter you can feel inside.
As I have tried to illustrate in this post, this has nothing to do with arrogance or superiority. Affirmations can be measured and reflect positive feedback you have received in the past. In fact, especially if you are new to pep talking, evidence-based affirmations are likely to be more credible to you, which is exactly what we are after in order to move ourselves into action.
As I hope to have shown, pep talking is a simple, effective and very accessible tool that can help to reduce anxiety, lift mood and create more balance in our thinking.