Respect is something that comes up a lot in therapy as a vital ingredient for healthy relationships. This is why in this post I would like to think and write some more about it. I am adopting a broad definition of relationship here that includes romantic, work and family relationships as well as friendships.
Some time ago I found myself saying to a client that if they don’t respect their partner what would be the point of trying to have a constructive relationship conversation with them. I said in a situation like this the focus would need to be on rebuilding respect first. Afterwards I reflected on whether that was too bold a statement to make, and I still believe it wasn’t.
What is the point of trying to improve my relationship with someone I don’t respect? Do I really want to improve things with them or am I already dismissing what they have to say as soon as they open their mouth? And if that is the case, what are we doing here, talking to each other? Wouldn’t the time be better spent doing something else?
Now this may sound incredibly harsh. However, what I am trying to highlight is that what matters in conversations is not only what we are talking about but more fundamentally how we see each other. If I think the other person has nothing of value to express or teach me, if I feel superior, if I feel I heard it all before, if I do not believe them anymore, if I fundamentally disagree with how they lead their life, what am I honestly trying to achieve in my conversation?
So, this the first point – do my conversations need to change if I have lost respect for someone? I would argue that they need to. And more specifically, what may be needed is at the very least an acknowledgement of the loss of respect that has occurred or continues to occur.
Conversations like these can be very painful, for example when respect has been lost because of infidelity, substance misuse, ongoing lies, unkept promises, hypocrisy or a severe lack of self-care. Sometimes, one person might find it hard to articulate what it is exactly that has led to the loss of respect for the other. It may be the sense of someone not pulling their weight in a relationship or lacking agency, competence or drive. It may be a combination of factors. However, whatever it is, it often involves a discrepancy between different expectations we have had for a relationship and how it has evolved over time.
Naming the loss of respect, while being incredibly difficult, enables both parties to do something about it. I have supported clients where partners or family members have managed to overcome infidelity, lies and relational imbalance. If it is articulated, it can be worked with. If it stays secret and unspoken, the loss of respect is likely to continue until such point where it may become unbearable. And even if it can be kept secret, there is a growing gulf between the two people in the relationship, and many times it expresses itself as arguments or avoidance.
Naming the loss of respect doesn’t mean that things will miraculously change. Far from it. And I would argue that turning a broken relationship around is one of the hardest things to achieve. However, if both parties want it, it is possible. And by addressing what is happening in the relationship we are at least giving it a chance.
I often say to my clients that it is worth exploring all opportunities for change within a situation before leaving it, whether this concerns a job, a friendship, a family or a romantic relationship. This is with the caveat of examining the effects of staying in this relationship for our mental and physical health as well as that of any dependents.
Having carefully explored all opportunities within gives us and the other person a much clearer picture of our reasons for ending a relationship, if this is the decision we eventually come to. There are no surprises and no need for acting out. Everything becomes very transparent, and separations have the potential to happen calmly and amicably.
Now, what if I want to give someone and the relationship I have with them a second chance? How can I go about rebuilding respect? In my view, this is not something we can do alone. It needs to happen in collaboration. In the same way that the loss of respect occurred in interaction with the other, the rebuilding of respect also becomes a joint effort.
If we can communicate to the other how the loss of respect has occurred, regaining respect will involve repairing the relationship with a particular focus on these issues. It can be hard for the other to even try to attempt this as there are no guarantees for success. What if the effort required seems too big? What if any attempts of turning things around are too little too late?
Moreover, as I said before, it is a joint effort. There is no point for one party to try to change and become a better person if the other has already given up on the relationship. The person who has lost respect needs to want to regain it, needs to see potential, needs to have hope for the relationship, however small.
And what if I feel that my respect for someone has been completely and irretrievably lost? Do I need to be honest with myself as well as them and leave the relationship? This is not easy to answer.
On the one hand, respect is often lost gradually over time and interspersed by moments of hope for a new beginning. When do we know that we have actually reached the end of our willingness to try again?
On the other hand, the loss of respect can happen in a relationship that we feel bound by in other ways, for example financially or professionally, by having children together or by a sense of duty or obligation. This is when exiting a relationship may not be straightforward.
In these situations, conversations may be around finding a liveable compromise for the time being. However, if you feel that respect has been irretrievably lost, it does not seem fair on you or the other person for the relationship to continue the way it has before.
That is not to say that there couldn’t be other feelings that keep you in the relationship. You may feel comfortable. You may feel admired. You may lack other options, so leaving the relationship may feel like a big and scary jump into the great unknown. I still question whether maintaining a relationship on this basis is healthy or sustainable in the long term.
The reason for this is the crucial link between respect and self-respect. If I have lost all respect for someone, be that a romantic partner, a line manager or a friend, staying in that relationship without any changes will inevitably have an impact on the respect I have for myself.
This is because the relationship loses value in my eyes. And by staying I am losing value, too. If I feel I am wasting my life away and that I could do so much better without taking any action, this is likely to significantly diminish my sense of self-worth. By holding on to a relationship with someone I no longer respect I am in effect telling myself that I don’t deserve any better.
This is why, in my opinion, acknowledging and addressing any loss of respect early on is one of the best things we can do for the health and longevity of our relationships.