I started writing this post in January when I was reflecting on the festive season that had just passed. It had been the first year where several of my younger adult clients ended up being alone over Christmas, some because of illness and others because of strained family relations.
Their experience had been varied. While some felt low and lonely, others found that they were a lot more content than anticipated. They enjoyed doing what they wanted to do when they wanted to do it. Without any restrictions or expectations placed on them by their families, it actually felt like it was their own holiday for a change. They came to realise that spending Christmas with their parents was a social norm that they could opt out of. And not only was it not terrible, it could actually be fun. This felt new and empowering, even if they were getting strange looks whenever they told anyone that they were spending Christmas at home alone.
This stood in sharp contrast to those of my clients who told me that they were actually afraid to visit their parents for Christmas. For some it was a sense of nervousness and apprehension and for others it was real fear and panic. Clients described to me that they were anxious of feeling trapped in an environment filled with tension. They wondered how they would cope with spending so much time with their parents who barely knew them as adults. They anticipated being pulled into their parents’ arguments and being asked to take sides or finding themselves mediating between them.
Others were worried that they might regress into familiar patterns of sibling rivalry or angry outbursts when feeling criticised by their family. They were aware of how much progress they had made in emancipating themselves from negative labels of their childhood. They knew that they were able to create and maintain healthy relationships with friends, colleagues or partners but feared that all of this might crumble when facing their parents.
These descriptions made me wonder how we can create so much stress and trouble for ourselves. I was saddened by the fact that there are so many adult children fearful or at the very least pretty nervous of spending time with their parents and families. How could it be that as adults we were so detached from and afraid of the people who gave birth to us and raised us, even without any history of trauma or abuse? How come there was so much marital tension and family conflict that such a significant number of my clients preferred spending Christmas alone?
And in many instances, it struck me that the parents didn’t even know how their adult children were feeling. They were either very much looking forward to seeing their children or they were getting stressed out about their own worries and high expectations they had for themselves. This didn’t really make sense to me, and I asked myself what could be done differently.
If you are intending to spend Christmas with your family this year and feel nervous or anxious about it, the following suggestions might help:
Adjust your expectations
It often surprises me how we bring these idyllic notions of a harmonious Christmas to our families when, deep down, we know what they are like. Yes, wouldn’t it be nice if … However, we are not like the family in the movies so why pretend? It takes so much pressure off and can make for a much nicer time together when we all reduce our expectations and assume that it will be similar to any other get together. So, if there tends to be bickering, a bit of drama or the occasional snide comment, Christmas is unlikely to be any different.
Tell your family how you feel
This may seem such an obvious point but is unfortunately often omitted. I know it takes courage but the results can make it all worth it. The trick is to talk about your fears with your family without apportioning blame. For some of my clients it has helped to write a little script to be able to fine tune the wording. When skillfully expressed, several of my clients have found this to open up a conversation with their family where everyone can share their concerns, and anxiety can be greatly reduced overall.
Address any likely points of tension upfront
If you are worried that certain sensitive or triggering topics might come up that are likely to create awkwardness or make it hard for you to keep your anger in check, it may be worth talking about these upfront with your family. This gives all of you the chance to get things off your chest and clear the air rather than spoiling the festive time together. I am aware that there may be conflicts that cannot be easily resolved. Nevertheless, even just acknowledging them can make it easier to get on, and you may agree to disagree or plan to leave certain discussions for another day.
Set healthy boundaries
Even if it may be clear to us in principle that we have very different rights as adults, many of us can do with a little reminder when it comes to visiting our families of origin. I have had people in their 50s tell me that they feel like a child again when they arrive at their parents’. This is why being explicit about how things are different now that we are visiting our parents as adults can be very useful. We may decide to limit the time spent with our families or let them know that we may cut our visit short if things are becoming too tense or too critical. Such signposting can help a great deal in upholding healthy boundaries once we are in the midst of familiar family dynamics.
Especially when we feel that we’ve made great progress in our other relationships as adults, a good benchmark can be how we conduct ourselves in our best friendships. What do we expect and what do we accept from our friends? How is that different to our family? Even if there may be a sense of duty or desire to give back to our parents, this shouldn’t come at the expense of our mental health. And neither is Christmas the only time we can visit our families.